Reflection October 2011

I wrote this poem because I had slept with someone and afterwards he told me he had HIV. We used a condom, but that fear was still there. I got tested, and I was clean. But this was written the week I waited for my results.

I can't believe the foolish things I've done,
Am I really that lost?
Trying to cope, wasn't even fun.
Such an unbearable cost.

My health is in danger,
it can only spiral down.
Never trust a stranger,
If only I knew he had been around.

Now I await my results,
Uncertainty clouds my mind.
Pondering all those insults,
Awaiting to jeer them all combined.

I am better than this,
at least I used to think so.
Started with a simple kiss,
Ended up being just a foe.

I'll be stronger,
Make a better decision.
Not playing games any longer,
Only do things I envision.

2011 is already awesome.

Damn, 2010 was a fucking hectic ass roller coaster. If you had read the post below, you know all the shit that happened. I also said that I wanted 2011 to be a very good year. I'm very surprised to say that so far, it has been. It's only the 26th of January, and damn, so much good things has happened for me. I started out the Spring Semester in college, and I really like my professors. I got a new car! I have a new boyfriend, and he is different than the two I dated before. He's who I used to be, and that sort of draws me closer to him. Since he is like me, I feel like I need to take care of him. Shield him from harm. I don't truly understand how, but yeah, you know? Lol. I am making no sense. I'm his first boyfriend, and I don't want him to experience anything that I have experienced. So I want to make him happy, and doing so, I am happy. Life is good. :)

2010 was quite the year...

I want this blog to be very detailed and very organized, so I will be taking my time with it. I apologize in advance for how long it may or may not be. Obviously from the title you have noticed that this blog will be about 2010. This year has definitely been quite the year for me. Many things happened, good and bad. Although I spent most of the year with sadness, in the end I believe it has made me so much stronger. This blog isn't just about the relationships that I have endured, it also has to do with me, and how I have grown as a person.

At the beginning of the year, I was still in high school and I was going to graduate very soon. I don't think I was ready for this transition. I was scared of growing up, becoming an adult and moving on into college and work. I managed to get a job while I was still in high school at TJ Maxx, and I still currently work there. If you are still in high school, don't even bitch about how fucking lame it is, you fucking appreciate it, and try to live it up. Trust me, it gets harder. I ended up graduating and I was happy that my family was there, and it was just a good day. Later that night we had Olive Garden. Courtesy of Mr. Galasso, my Government/Economics teacher, for being his #1 student. Thanks Mr. G!

Summer break came around, and I felt confused. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't apply to any colleges and stuff.. I was just unaware. I ended up going to TCC because, the entire world goes there, and well I didn't much care. If you know me well, you know that in the summer, I decided to come out of the closet. I was sick of not being who I am. I felt like I wasn't being completely me, and everyone that I loved couldn't possibly know me completely either. Lady Gaga Monster Ball definitely pushed my courage to come out. She is my inspiration and my courage.

Now time for some relationship crap.. I won't be too detailed because these two individuals would get a kick out of me spending so much time thinking about them, and I am trying to get over it. I am leaving them behind in 2010. Goodbye assholes! "I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well." They both obviously hurt me, and I had to be strong and move on with my life. I'm going to start 2011 as fresh as I can start it! :)

I also conquered a couple fears. I was deathly afraid of giving blood, and what did I do? I gave blood. I crashed my car. I was afraid of driving again, and what did I do? I drove again. I was afraid of falling in love, and what did I do? I fell in love. Twice. I was afraid of getting on an airplane, and what did I do? I got on an airplane. Thrice, and alone.

Do you see how much I have grown? I know who I am now, and I know what I am capable of. I also now know, who to share myself with. I am a "Firework" and I know who my friends are. I have a strong will, and I have my opinions that I will forever defend.

I'm a force. As is a Tsunami. Do you now know why I changed my name? Cause I have that much power within me.

So there you go, 2010 was quite the year. I conquered fears, and endured pain. I now realize how strong I am. This knowledge will forever be with me, and will make my life all the much better. Although I hate those that hurt me, they opened up my eyes to what I truly want.

I wish you the best in 2011, my faithful friends. <3

Maybe I just needed to share..

Have you ever loved someone? I have. Twice. I'm only left with memories now. The good and the bad will always be in my mind. I wish I could forget it all, but I know that would be stupid. Experiences make us stronger, even though they can make us feel extremely weak. I've been feeling very terrible lately, but I am getting better. Today I was actually in a good mood, so don't worry too much. Everyone goes through heartbreak, so I can't be any different. I guess things happen for a reason. Maybe, just maybe... the best person in the world is about to come into my life. Who knows? Might take a while, but maybe I should be excited for that. I've been trying to have a positive outlook on it all. I know for a fact, that I am an amazing boyfriend. I'm basically perfect. ;) Haha, don't give me that selfish, egotistical shit. I have an excuse to want to feel above others at the moment. I'm hot, and whatever, because it would be an honor to be with me. I am too damn amazing, and those who don't deserve me won't have me.

At the moment though, I need to be happy on my own again. I'm not looking around for anything. I don't need anyone to be my "boyfriend." I want to party it up, and ride SOLO. I feel like going to the Rainbow Lounge and dancing shirtless to Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga will never leave my life. I'll always hold on to her for instant happiness. Haha, maybe I'll get tips again. ;) I have it in me to be a good stripper.

Anyways, I doubt this made any sense, but I wanted to write something out. If you have something on your mind, don't you want to express yourself some way? Alright then. Byyyeeee.

<3

I believe this is the hardest thing to do.

Today, well yesterday technically, I saw Lady Gaga in her Monster Ball tour. If you know me very well, you know that I am a huge Lady Gaga fan. I absolutely love her. Her music is amazing. I love her style, I love how crazy she is, and I love how she isn't scared to do what she wants. During the Monster Ball, she told a story about how she used to be made fun of in high school, now I don't know if this is true, because celebs tend to lie about stuff, but I am going to believe that it's true, and that she knows how it feels to be an outcast and different. She told us to be brave, something that I never really am. I pretty much live in fear, although I want that to be changed. I no longer want to be scared, I want to be free. I've only been brave enough to tell this to my two sisters, because I love them so much and trust them, and two very close cousins. (As I am writing this, my heart is jumping, scared of what this might do. It's very emotional for me.) I'm afraid of telling people who I am. I feel like I may be criticized, made fun of, bullied, rejected, and discriminated against. Now, I can't tolerate any of that. I am weak, any of this will break me down. I am shy and quiet, because I don't like bringing attention to myself. I just wanted to fade into a shadow. Now, I guess you can assume of what I am trying to say, but I won't write it down officially until the end. What scares me the most is my family's reaction. None of my family members are different.. that I know of. I feel like I might be singled out, and the talk to the family. I am telling you this now, I didn't want this. It's been like since middle school since I've realized what was in front of me. Now, I choose to ignore it. Hide it. Don't bring attention to it, cause all of it scares me. Here it comes... I like guys. I am sexually attracted to them, and I can't "change" this. It wasn't my choice, I would rather be "normal", and blend in, cause I don't like being different. Lady Gaga wants me to be brave. She said when you leave the Monster Ball, "Don't leave loving me more, leave loving YOURSELF more." I do love myself, but I never really loved that part of me. You know that gay/bi teens are the highest ranked in suicide? It's society's nonacceptance. Now, I have never wanted to hurt myself, cause I am not that crazy, but other people have, and it's sad, and it should never happen. So if you hate the LGBT community... well... you are pressuring people to not like themselves, and that's wrong. Everyone should love themselves, I need to love myself too. Some people might say that it doesn't matter, but it does matter to me. This always tore me up inside, and I never had the strength to accept it. Lady Gaga might have influenced this blog, but I want this insecurity to end. I am sick of hiding, and I want to be ME. I want to be happy, and I can only be happy by accepting myself. Now, I don't know if I am fully gay, cause I have no idea what I feel about women, sure they're cute, but... idk? If you stuck this long to read everything, then I really appreciate it. Now I am going to wait and see how this affects my life, it can end in disaster, or in acceptance and happiness. This was hard for me, and I need you to understand that. I almost don't want to hit publish, cause the fear and paranoia kicks in, but I want to be brave, be strong, and myself!

As Lady Gaga would put it, "I'm a free bitch, baby."

Thank you.

Month of May

This is the last month of school. It's my senior year, and this is the last and final month of high school. I don't know what to feel. I can't believe it's been 12 years + Kindergarten. I want this month to be over, I am sick and tired of the high school scene. I want to move into something more mature. I seriously dreaded my school.. I don't know how many times I have to say that. It's not like I was bullied or anything, it's just that I felt surrounded by idiots. I think you would go a bit insane if you felt that way. Well, finally it's almost over. I applied to work at a new store that is opening nearby. TJ Maxx. I officially start working on Saturday May 8th, 2010. I wrote the date down because it's my FIRST job, and I want to remember when it was. So yeah, I think my sister is doing something to help me into TCC. I am pretty sure they would accept me. After getting basics out the way, I want to transfer to something else. So yeah, I can't wait for summer. Summer will be good. It will be filled with working, swimming, and spending time with family.. oh and I haven't mentioned Lady Gaga on July 22nd. I might even go to California this summer. I really need to get my dad to confirm that statement. Soon enough. Well, I kinda lost what I was originally talking about. Eh, I tend to do that. I also think there is a motif for my mom allowing me to work at TJ Maxx. She has been opposed to the idea of me working until after I graduated. I think she wants a discount on the merchandise. I'll deal with that when it happens. I also quit YuTubersRus.. but I am sure no one really cares, or watches that, and I don't blame you. We are quite a boring bunch, good people, but not something you want to watch and be entertained to. I seriously can't stick to one topic, but that's cool. I rather write on my own terms than on something planned.I find it more enjoyable to write down whatever I am currently thinking. Try it some time. I also was thinking to myself, my good friend DJ likes to write. I like to write SOMETIMES. So I decided, and I am gonna TRY to write a creative short story this summer. It might not happen, but I would like for it to. I haven't completed a piece yet, so I figured let's try it. So that's all I feel like typing for today, I think I might go to iHop. See you guys later. <3

Wow....

I am not the author of this. I do not claim it to be mine, I have no idea who wrote this. But wow...

I cry tears of emerald silence
I shed glass through the windows to my soul
I dream about blood, about violence
About faces in miserable shades of coal

I dare not show you my darkness
As I know you would gape in disbelief
I dare not reveal that I’m contrasted
Against your sunken sighs of relief

I cannot show you the shades of my heart
I cannot explain to you my life
How I have the ability to make you laugh
To hide my pain contained in strife

But I love that you will never know me
Or enter the places in my mind
That your conscience will not allow you to see
That to which you have always been blind