I believe this is the hardest thing to do.

Today, well yesterday technically, I saw Lady Gaga in her Monster Ball tour. If you know me very well, you know that I am a huge Lady Gaga fan. I absolutely love her. Her music is amazing. I love her style, I love how crazy she is, and I love how she isn't scared to do what she wants. During the Monster Ball, she told a story about how she used to be made fun of in high school, now I don't know if this is true, because celebs tend to lie about stuff, but I am going to believe that it's true, and that she knows how it feels to be an outcast and different. She told us to be brave, something that I never really am. I pretty much live in fear, although I want that to be changed. I no longer want to be scared, I want to be free. I've only been brave enough to tell this to my two sisters, because I love them so much and trust them, and two very close cousins. (As I am writing this, my heart is jumping, scared of what this might do. It's very emotional for me.) I'm afraid of telling people who I am. I feel like I may be criticized, made fun of, bullied, rejected, and discriminated against. Now, I can't tolerate any of that. I am weak, any of this will break me down. I am shy and quiet, because I don't like bringing attention to myself. I just wanted to fade into a shadow. Now, I guess you can assume of what I am trying to say, but I won't write it down officially until the end. What scares me the most is my family's reaction. None of my family members are different.. that I know of. I feel like I might be singled out, and the talk to the family. I am telling you this now, I didn't want this. It's been like since middle school since I've realized what was in front of me. Now, I choose to ignore it. Hide it. Don't bring attention to it, cause all of it scares me. Here it comes... I like guys. I am sexually attracted to them, and I can't "change" this. It wasn't my choice, I would rather be "normal", and blend in, cause I don't like being different. Lady Gaga wants me to be brave. She said when you leave the Monster Ball, "Don't leave loving me more, leave loving YOURSELF more." I do love myself, but I never really loved that part of me. You know that gay/bi teens are the highest ranked in suicide? It's society's nonacceptance. Now, I have never wanted to hurt myself, cause I am not that crazy, but other people have, and it's sad, and it should never happen. So if you hate the LGBT community... well... you are pressuring people to not like themselves, and that's wrong. Everyone should love themselves, I need to love myself too. Some people might say that it doesn't matter, but it does matter to me. This always tore me up inside, and I never had the strength to accept it. Lady Gaga might have influenced this blog, but I want this insecurity to end. I am sick of hiding, and I want to be ME. I want to be happy, and I can only be happy by accepting myself. Now, I don't know if I am fully gay, cause I have no idea what I feel about women, sure they're cute, but... idk? If you stuck this long to read everything, then I really appreciate it. Now I am going to wait and see how this affects my life, it can end in disaster, or in acceptance and happiness. This was hard for me, and I need you to understand that. I almost don't want to hit publish, cause the fear and paranoia kicks in, but I want to be brave, be strong, and myself!

As Lady Gaga would put it, "I'm a free bitch, baby."

Thank you.