If Death Came for Thee

If Death came for thee,
would you embrace the reaper?
Or would you simply try to flee?
Could you even escape if you tried?

Convinced the end is near,
how do you expect to react?
Trying to do away with the fear,
while struggling to just stay in tact.

My mind each day slowly brings me down,
The visions haunt me, there's no escape,
Feels as though I'm going to drown.
I'm losing myself in this battle.

Can't stop the revelation,
it wants me to surrender, sweet decadence.
I plead for my salvation,
the end makes way for the following genesis.

Phoenix

I am the Phoenix.

I don't rise from ashes,
but I know I live forever.
When the world clashes,
I'll struggle through the endeavor.

The cycle, like a spectrum
contains two parts, I believe.
At first, unaware I'm happily dumb,
Next, I know the truth, so I grieve.

I am the phoenix, I've been given clues.
Reliving moments, or having foresight.
Although at times it feels like abuse.
I know I'll forever be alright.

The people I love, forever at my side.
This gives me some peace of mind.
All they do for me, as they provide,
For this is life, that which others are blind.

Feeling Defeated

I feel like I'm losing my reality, and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe poetry can help me stay sane.

This world I see,
is it just a lie?
How does one relive a moment,
that which is new in my eye?

Dejavu or premonition?
I see these time to time.
My mind fights like an ignition,
Dealing with this scary crime.

I want to move ahead,
but something pulls me back.
These visions end with me dead,
I feel powerless against this attack.

Paranoia clouds my rest,
The cycle comes for me.
Like an officer's arrest,
I will never be set free.

Me vs. Reality

I wrote this poem, because I started hallucinating and seeing patterns in my life. It might just be from Anxiety or Paranoia, or even schizophrenia but these are just my thoughts and how I feel while getting the psychiatric help I need.

My mind fights alone,
What will win? Answer unknown.
The veil of reality has been torn,
it's up to me to continue or be reborn.

The patterns I see cause my fright,
Images of a strange dimension...
Medication subsides this strange blight.
Although my brain struggles through the tension.

Every new place I enter feels foreseen,
Dejavu? What the fuck? This can not be.
Through a moment I question the scene,
Is this real? My own mind does not agree.

I hope to God I get through this strife,
Hoping to break the cycle that I convinced myself to believe.
So I may carry on with my life,
and enjoy the reality that I perceive.

Reflection October 2011

I wrote this poem because I had slept with someone and afterwards he told me he had HIV. We used a condom, but that fear was still there. I got tested, and I was clean. But this was written the week I waited for my results.

I can't believe the foolish things I've done,
Am I really that lost?
Trying to cope, wasn't even fun.
Such an unbearable cost.

My health is in danger,
it can only spiral down.
Never trust a stranger,
If only I knew he had been around.

Now I await my results,
Uncertainty clouds my mind.
Pondering all those insults,
Awaiting to jeer them all combined.

I am better than this,
at least I used to think so.
Started with a simple kiss,
Ended up being just a foe.

I'll be stronger,
Make a better decision.
Not playing games any longer,
Only do things I envision.

2011 is already awesome.

Damn, 2010 was a fucking hectic ass roller coaster. If you had read the post below, you know all the shit that happened. I also said that I wanted 2011 to be a very good year. I'm very surprised to say that so far, it has been. It's only the 26th of January, and damn, so much good things has happened for me. I started out the Spring Semester in college, and I really like my professors. I got a new car! I have a new boyfriend, and he is different than the two I dated before. He's who I used to be, and that sort of draws me closer to him. Since he is like me, I feel like I need to take care of him. Shield him from harm. I don't truly understand how, but yeah, you know? Lol. I am making no sense. I'm his first boyfriend, and I don't want him to experience anything that I have experienced. So I want to make him happy, and doing so, I am happy. Life is good. :)

2010 was quite the year...

I want this blog to be very detailed and very organized, so I will be taking my time with it. I apologize in advance for how long it may or may not be. Obviously from the title you have noticed that this blog will be about 2010. This year has definitely been quite the year for me. Many things happened, good and bad. Although I spent most of the year with sadness, in the end I believe it has made me so much stronger. This blog isn't just about the relationships that I have endured, it also has to do with me, and how I have grown as a person.

At the beginning of the year, I was still in high school and I was going to graduate very soon. I don't think I was ready for this transition. I was scared of growing up, becoming an adult and moving on into college and work. I managed to get a job while I was still in high school at TJ Maxx, and I still currently work there. If you are still in high school, don't even bitch about how fucking lame it is, you fucking appreciate it, and try to live it up. Trust me, it gets harder. I ended up graduating and I was happy that my family was there, and it was just a good day. Later that night we had Olive Garden. Courtesy of Mr. Galasso, my Government/Economics teacher, for being his #1 student. Thanks Mr. G!

Summer break came around, and I felt confused. I didn't know what I was going to do. I didn't apply to any colleges and stuff.. I was just unaware. I ended up going to TCC because, the entire world goes there, and well I didn't much care. If you know me well, you know that in the summer, I decided to come out of the closet. I was sick of not being who I am. I felt like I wasn't being completely me, and everyone that I loved couldn't possibly know me completely either. Lady Gaga Monster Ball definitely pushed my courage to come out. She is my inspiration and my courage.

Now time for some relationship crap.. I won't be too detailed because these two individuals would get a kick out of me spending so much time thinking about them, and I am trying to get over it. I am leaving them behind in 2010. Goodbye assholes! "I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well." They both obviously hurt me, and I had to be strong and move on with my life. I'm going to start 2011 as fresh as I can start it! :)

I also conquered a couple fears. I was deathly afraid of giving blood, and what did I do? I gave blood. I crashed my car. I was afraid of driving again, and what did I do? I drove again. I was afraid of falling in love, and what did I do? I fell in love. Twice. I was afraid of getting on an airplane, and what did I do? I got on an airplane. Thrice, and alone.

Do you see how much I have grown? I know who I am now, and I know what I am capable of. I also now know, who to share myself with. I am a "Firework" and I know who my friends are. I have a strong will, and I have my opinions that I will forever defend.

I'm a force. As is a Tsunami. Do you now know why I changed my name? Cause I have that much power within me.

So there you go, 2010 was quite the year. I conquered fears, and endured pain. I now realize how strong I am. This knowledge will forever be with me, and will make my life all the much better. Although I hate those that hurt me, they opened up my eyes to what I truly want.

I wish you the best in 2011, my faithful friends. <3