Maybe I just needed to share..

Have you ever loved someone? I have. Twice. I'm only left with memories now. The good and the bad will always be in my mind. I wish I could forget it all, but I know that would be stupid. Experiences make us stronger, even though they can make us feel extremely weak. I've been feeling very terrible lately, but I am getting better. Today I was actually in a good mood, so don't worry too much. Everyone goes through heartbreak, so I can't be any different. I guess things happen for a reason. Maybe, just maybe... the best person in the world is about to come into my life. Who knows? Might take a while, but maybe I should be excited for that. I've been trying to have a positive outlook on it all. I know for a fact, that I am an amazing boyfriend. I'm basically perfect. ;) Haha, don't give me that selfish, egotistical shit. I have an excuse to want to feel above others at the moment. I'm hot, and whatever, because it would be an honor to be with me. I am too damn amazing, and those who don't deserve me won't have me.

At the moment though, I need to be happy on my own again. I'm not looking around for anything. I don't need anyone to be my "boyfriend." I want to party it up, and ride SOLO. I feel like going to the Rainbow Lounge and dancing shirtless to Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga will never leave my life. I'll always hold on to her for instant happiness. Haha, maybe I'll get tips again. ;) I have it in me to be a good stripper.

Anyways, I doubt this made any sense, but I wanted to write something out. If you have something on your mind, don't you want to express yourself some way? Alright then. Byyyeeee.

<3

I believe this is the hardest thing to do.

Today, well yesterday technically, I saw Lady Gaga in her Monster Ball tour. If you know me very well, you know that I am a huge Lady Gaga fan. I absolutely love her. Her music is amazing. I love her style, I love how crazy she is, and I love how she isn't scared to do what she wants. During the Monster Ball, she told a story about how she used to be made fun of in high school, now I don't know if this is true, because celebs tend to lie about stuff, but I am going to believe that it's true, and that she knows how it feels to be an outcast and different. She told us to be brave, something that I never really am. I pretty much live in fear, although I want that to be changed. I no longer want to be scared, I want to be free. I've only been brave enough to tell this to my two sisters, because I love them so much and trust them, and two very close cousins. (As I am writing this, my heart is jumping, scared of what this might do. It's very emotional for me.) I'm afraid of telling people who I am. I feel like I may be criticized, made fun of, bullied, rejected, and discriminated against. Now, I can't tolerate any of that. I am weak, any of this will break me down. I am shy and quiet, because I don't like bringing attention to myself. I just wanted to fade into a shadow. Now, I guess you can assume of what I am trying to say, but I won't write it down officially until the end. What scares me the most is my family's reaction. None of my family members are different.. that I know of. I feel like I might be singled out, and the talk to the family. I am telling you this now, I didn't want this. It's been like since middle school since I've realized what was in front of me. Now, I choose to ignore it. Hide it. Don't bring attention to it, cause all of it scares me. Here it comes... I like guys. I am sexually attracted to them, and I can't "change" this. It wasn't my choice, I would rather be "normal", and blend in, cause I don't like being different. Lady Gaga wants me to be brave. She said when you leave the Monster Ball, "Don't leave loving me more, leave loving YOURSELF more." I do love myself, but I never really loved that part of me. You know that gay/bi teens are the highest ranked in suicide? It's society's nonacceptance. Now, I have never wanted to hurt myself, cause I am not that crazy, but other people have, and it's sad, and it should never happen. So if you hate the LGBT community... well... you are pressuring people to not like themselves, and that's wrong. Everyone should love themselves, I need to love myself too. Some people might say that it doesn't matter, but it does matter to me. This always tore me up inside, and I never had the strength to accept it. Lady Gaga might have influenced this blog, but I want this insecurity to end. I am sick of hiding, and I want to be ME. I want to be happy, and I can only be happy by accepting myself. Now, I don't know if I am fully gay, cause I have no idea what I feel about women, sure they're cute, but... idk? If you stuck this long to read everything, then I really appreciate it. Now I am going to wait and see how this affects my life, it can end in disaster, or in acceptance and happiness. This was hard for me, and I need you to understand that. I almost don't want to hit publish, cause the fear and paranoia kicks in, but I want to be brave, be strong, and myself!

As Lady Gaga would put it, "I'm a free bitch, baby."

Thank you.

Month of May

This is the last month of school. It's my senior year, and this is the last and final month of high school. I don't know what to feel. I can't believe it's been 12 years + Kindergarten. I want this month to be over, I am sick and tired of the high school scene. I want to move into something more mature. I seriously dreaded my school.. I don't know how many times I have to say that. It's not like I was bullied or anything, it's just that I felt surrounded by idiots. I think you would go a bit insane if you felt that way. Well, finally it's almost over. I applied to work at a new store that is opening nearby. TJ Maxx. I officially start working on Saturday May 8th, 2010. I wrote the date down because it's my FIRST job, and I want to remember when it was. So yeah, I think my sister is doing something to help me into TCC. I am pretty sure they would accept me. After getting basics out the way, I want to transfer to something else. So yeah, I can't wait for summer. Summer will be good. It will be filled with working, swimming, and spending time with family.. oh and I haven't mentioned Lady Gaga on July 22nd. I might even go to California this summer. I really need to get my dad to confirm that statement. Soon enough. Well, I kinda lost what I was originally talking about. Eh, I tend to do that. I also think there is a motif for my mom allowing me to work at TJ Maxx. She has been opposed to the idea of me working until after I graduated. I think she wants a discount on the merchandise. I'll deal with that when it happens. I also quit YuTubersRus.. but I am sure no one really cares, or watches that, and I don't blame you. We are quite a boring bunch, good people, but not something you want to watch and be entertained to. I seriously can't stick to one topic, but that's cool. I rather write on my own terms than on something planned.I find it more enjoyable to write down whatever I am currently thinking. Try it some time. I also was thinking to myself, my good friend DJ likes to write. I like to write SOMETIMES. So I decided, and I am gonna TRY to write a creative short story this summer. It might not happen, but I would like for it to. I haven't completed a piece yet, so I figured let's try it. So that's all I feel like typing for today, I think I might go to iHop. See you guys later. <3

Wow....

I am not the author of this. I do not claim it to be mine, I have no idea who wrote this. But wow...

I cry tears of emerald silence
I shed glass through the windows to my soul
I dream about blood, about violence
About faces in miserable shades of coal

I dare not show you my darkness
As I know you would gape in disbelief
I dare not reveal that I’m contrasted
Against your sunken sighs of relief

I cannot show you the shades of my heart
I cannot explain to you my life
How I have the ability to make you laugh
To hide my pain contained in strife

But I love that you will never know me
Or enter the places in my mind
That your conscience will not allow you to see
That to which you have always been blind

Nature Ballad

It was a mystic and beautiful scene,
Trees seemed to dance upon sight.
The breeze was better than that of the sea,
Everything indeed seemed right.

The clouds above gave quite a mist,
A lively forest did thrive,
A place obviously untouched by man,
Reap the benefits one may strive.

But benefits may be fueled by avarice,
Destroying nature, in hopes of wealth
Defenseless life runs as woodland clears
The beautiful grove lost its health.

Machinery begins its work; digging, disposing
But Mother senses their infiltration.
The Earth pleads with her to help it,
And she exercises her frustration.

Clouds begin to form, but workers notice not
Sun fades, rain begins to pour.
It picks up faster and faster
Huge puddles collect on the floor.

Lightning begins to strike, workers fear
Too muddy and wet to work
What could they possibly do now?
The leader jeers with an evil smirk.

Without regret, rain continued to fall
Flooding became unbearable, and few left
The lightning struck the building where the leader dwells,
Punishing him for his great theft.

Trapped in flames all around,
He kneels down in an attempt to pray.
“I notice my error, spare my life and I shall protect all wildlife.”
Never again shall he and nature part way.

He respected nature, and began to study it,
The knowledge he gained surpassed wealth,
He gathered people with similar vision,
With recovery plans, as brilliant as those of stealth.

He acted, he spread, he protected,
Preaching to others to save the wildlife
To save anything resourceful,
Or lose our lives in pain and strife.


This was done under 2 hours.
You are the judge. Say what you like.
I don't even like it.

20 Thousand Tweets

Hello my loved ones. If you are reading this, then you obviously clicked on my link. I have reached 20 thousand tweets, and I give credit to those that actually read and listen to what I have to say. I couldn't have done it without you. Sure this isn't a great achievement.. it kinda makes me seem like I talk/tweet too much.. but I like to think of it as... a huge chat. I have communicated with all of you, and this proves it. I love you all, and I want to add your names here to show that you are in my thoughts and twitter stream. :)

*BTW SCROLL DOWN ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM*

I am going to begin with my most @replied.
@the_nikster
@xfftl8myheartx
@Nysie5
@TwiztidKris (TerminaterxTwat)
@MightBeMarissa
@Shondoit
@DJTLaC (You have more @replies in my other account. >_> )
@LaceyJacqueline
@deadlisyn
@mrbaseball22
@rennmonster
@AyeJayJay

Now for the rest of you, even though you are not on the above list, doesn't mean I don't love you.. it just means we can communicate A LOT MORE. Lol <3
@Vivi1790
@alyssamarjorie
@GleekBrad
@sexybackstabber
@NeoKis
@Spoinkerz
@LittleBroExpr
@frankie997
@nymetsfan4evr
@MacyFailMoar
@FletcherAmazes
@kneeahh
@StonedSharpie
@Caseem
@SkaterTrainer
@OddLogik
@NightHawk016
@brieasaurus
@pitz182
@nicksa7x
@redchinese19
@Brendyn
@ItsMrQ
@ilove_shoes
@Osita5673
@PaulThaAsian
@willierko
@RickyThrills
@RachelOaktree
@forman_
@sammah
@akakatydid
@DDRFanatic682
@TheSaraBelle


Yay! You made it on the list. Now, I am 100% sure I missed some people.. and if you want to be listed, you can let me know.

Click this link to tweet "I am apart of @JaviTsunami's 20K dedication tweet! Are YOU? http://bit.ly/aUaQvR"

Lover's Anguish

Today I look upon the shrouded sky,
And I wonder why this had to happen.
I never got a chance to say goodbye,
Her lifeless image can only sadden.
Never wanted her to feel forsaken,
My allegiance to our nation was great.
Overseas I was when she was taken,
And thus my life was void of my soul mate.
How can I carry such horrible weight?
My life has transformed into much distress,
This harsh pain I feel, nothing can sedate.
That is when her memory I caress.
I long to be with you again my love,
When I join you in the kingdom above.

Sonnet 30

I must memorize the following sonnet by tomorrow. January 22nd.


My love is like to ice, and I to fire;
How comes it then that this her cold so great
Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,
But harder grows the more I her entreat?
Or how comes it that my exceeding heat
Is not delayed by her heart-frozen cold:
But that I burn much more in boiling sweat,
And feel my flames augmented manifold?
What more miraculous thing may be told
That fire which all things melt, should harden ice:
And ice which is congealed with senseless cold,
Should kindle fire by wonderful device.
Such is the pow'r of love in gentle mind,
That it can alter all the course of kind.

-Edmund Spenser

A Passionate Carpenter To His Love

I offer you my profession,
in order to show you my expression.
I can build you a warm home,
one with a miraculous dome.

If in this you feel security,
may it be love, in it's purity.
Let's embark on this new connection,
so I can show you my greatest affection.

If you desire to ride a carriage,
then I shall build, if you give me marriage.
If heaven decree it from above,
then in fact I have found true love.

-Javier Eduardo (30 minute poem)